For almost a month now, I’ve been checking daily to see when it would happen, the change in accounts being my sign that it is all finalised. In anticipation of the anticlimactic moment, I’ve been carrying around in my head the quote by TS Elliot:
“This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.”
But when the moment came, the description didn’t fit. It was a whole lot more explosive.
On this particular day, there are a few elements at play. I have a very sore lower back, I have had on and off for many years and have been in denial about it for just as long. In fact, last night I had a ticket to see Of Monsters and Men and was starting to worry that I couldn’t withstand the gig. It reminded me of the first time my back went out – it was the night before a Crowded House concert and not even their last one… so it’s been a while! Back then, as last night, I gorged on over-the-counter painkillers, determined not to miss the show. And I didn’t – then or last night and in both instances, I was glad of my decision. If you’re interested, you can read about the last time I saw Of Monsters and Men here – last night’s show was equally magnificent though in an even bigger venue still.
I also started a juice detox yesterday. Basically, for a week I’ll only drink freshly extracted fruit and vegetable juice and smoothies. I’ve done this program before with great success and after a week of birthday related binging, I felt it was time for another kickstart. I can get quite evangelical about the benefits of juicing but I’m not going to lie, the first few days of a full-on detox, especially in the aftermath of a ‘toxic’ time, are killers! The pain and suffering of those initial days leaves you in no doubt of how poisonous and addictive (and delicious) refined sugar and carbs, coffee and alcohol are.
The combined pain of my exacerbated back-ache, detox-clamped-skull and what must have been a migraine lurking in the shadows had me prone and paralysed in bed. No matter how I willed myself to, I couldn’t move. I tried to sleep it off hour after hour without success. Around midday, I reached for my phone to check in on the world and take my daily peek at the bank account to see if anything had changed… it had. In lieu of the old mortgage was a new, far more substantial figure waiting to be paid by me and me alone. I wasn’t shocked, after all, it’s what I was looking to see. It was the proverbial whimper at the end of the world. I reached for my Teddy, we had a moment to acknowledge that the home was now our own. And then came the bang…
The pressure in my head became too much to bear, despite my back, I knew I had to get up and to the bathroom as fast as I could hobble because evacuation orders were being issued from my aching brain to my now churning stomach. Luckily I made it in time for my last juice to come right back up and out.
Puking always makes me a little weepy, doubly so when so emotionally evoked but I didn’t want to make this about more than it is – it’s enough. The change of numbers is just a reflection of what has already transpired – already mourned and already celebrated. It is neither good nor bad or at least, equal in measure to the point of being neutral. With that in my pounding mind, I cleaned up my mess, pulled myself together and headed off to pick up my nephew from school.
I plugged in my headphones and hit shuffle (seemed appropriate with the way I was walking!) – like a little gift from the universe, “One Little River” by Clare Bowditch came on. I only got this album a few days ago and this song has become an instant anthem for me in terms of transcending loss and limitations to live a life you dare to dream. It’s also about being open and sharing the journey to help alleviate the struggle of others who may feel they’re alone – in some way, that’s what I’ve sought to achieve with this blog. For the record, Clare Bowditch is one inspiring individual and a true renaissance woman. I’m very excited to be seeing her in concert this Saturday!
As I write this, there’s a thunderstorm outside – the atmospheric pressure has broken bringing relief and resolution, a very poetic ending to this day and to this chapter. At the outset of this blog, less than 4 months ago, I said that I couldn’t do this on my own and I haven’t. I owe a debt of gratitude to so many which I hope to repay in the creation of a life that befits your belief in me and one that I can continue to share with you.
I’ve put so much on hold to bring about this outcome. Now that I know that this is the way the world ends, it’s time to discover how a new world begins…